1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming
and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole
relationship.
7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner,
you’d better have a good hand.
9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.
11 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
12 War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
13 If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
14 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
15 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to
walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and
shut-up.
17 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
18 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.
19 Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.
20 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
21 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
22 I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
23 If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
24 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove
all doubt.
27 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one
enjoys it?
28 Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you
can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
30 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?
31 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it.
32 Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
34 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick
boxing.
36 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
38 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
39 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
40 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
41 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
42 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
43 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
45 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
46 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
47 I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
49 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
50 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
51 The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s
really in trouble.
